Distractions
by janya.wrote.nightrose
Summary: Bella and Edward are together for all eternity. Nothing can tear apart their happiness, right? What about when Bella finds out exactly what Edward's distractions were? Please R&R!
1. Prologue

Distractions

A Twilight FanFiction

She knew all along he was using her. It was clear from the moment he

asked her to change her face. He had never deceived her, though she

knew he felt terrible about ever having been with her. He had never

said he loved her, never even said her name. She knew all this.

Then why did she let him use her?

She was not a weak person- using person in the loosest sense, of

course. She had never needed a man, and as a vampire she was beautiful

enough to have any one she wanted anyway.

She loved him. That was the hardest thing to admit. She loved him, and he

had never loved her. He'd needed her- he was living in an attic in

Brazil when she found him- but he'd never loved her.

He'd loved the human. She'd known that all along too. She'd asked him

what was wrong. He'd told her, and because she loved him, she'd done

what she could to make it better.

It had helped him. She was essentially a good person, so she was glad

that he was happy with his human.

She actually visited the human, during those glorious months he was

- Hide quoted text -

hers. She'd seen what it was like for him, without her, all along, and

the first minute she saw the human, she knew that love and need was

returned.

She was glad they were happy. Some days, when she felt particularly

masochistic, she would even go watch them together. He was so

different now. He was a whole person, not the half-man she'd known.

His human practically shone with joy. She was happy for them.

Why then did she want to kill the human?

Because she wanted to kill all humans. But this was a different

bloodlust. It had nothing to do with the sweet scent of the girl, and

everything to do with love.

She was not a jealous or cruel person. She was happy for them.

Wasn't she?

Yes, she was. In all honesty, from a completely objective perspective,

the emotion of jealousy was far overshadowed by love for him and

relief for the girl. She had seen what happened to the girl when he

left, and she knew what the girl needed. That was her power. As a

human, she had been both insightful and creative, both intelligent and

caring, and so she had a doubled power. She could see what people

needed most, and she could give it to them. Not always exactly, of

course. She had been unable, at first, to lead him back to the mortal.

But she had done what little she could to heal his heart.

She had been glad she could, because she loved him so much. It hurt

her to see him in pain, and she was glad when he went back to his

human.

She'd always known he would, from the moment she'd seen into his

broken heart. He needed the human, and there were two paths. He could

leave her the moment he met her, and then she would be unable to put

her power to work. Or he could stay, and give her some time, and

someday go back to his human.

She was glad the second one had happened. She was happy with him for

at least a little while, and then he was glad. She had given both him

and the human what they needed. And so she was glad.

She WAS.


	2. Awakening

I awoke with his timeless eyes woeful on my face. It was the same glance as he'd had under Jane's torture, when I'd cried over Jacob the last time. The same as whenever the memory of his absence was brought up. What had I said to put that look on his face?

"Edward, what's wrong?"

He seemed shocked, stiffening suddenly as though breaking out from a trance. Then he softened, though the pain was still there.

"Nothing, love. Don't worry."

I moved my hands to my hips and sat up.

"I'm not falling for it. How stupid do you really think I am? What did I say?"

He kissed me softly, never taking his eyes from mine. As our lips met, the agony changed to love, melting my heart, but not my fury.

"You're not going to distract me, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. Was it about Jacob?" I asked, almost hopefully. Jake was one thing. Not so bad.

He shook his head so slightly it could have been mistaken for a twitch, if vampires had involuntary reactions. With that slight movement, my hope was dashed.

"I'm not jealous, Bella. Really, I'm not. The choice is all yours."

I chose to ignore the ridiculous second half of his statement. "You have no reason to be."

We sat there for a second, in silence.

"It was about when you left."

I knew I was right, but I looked at his face for confirmation. That was a mistake.

"Of course," I whispered, and he took my head between his hands. "I'm sorry." I hated hurting him. It hurt me.

"You're sorry. You're sorry. You're sorry I broke your heart and lied to you and hurt you and left you and almost let you be killed!"

"No. I'm sorry that what I said pained you. What did I say, Edward."

He glared at me. I glared back.

"Fine. 'Don't.' That was all at first. Again and again, quieter each time. And then you sat bolt upright and screamed it. "DON'T!' You started to cry, and I took you in my arms. Through the tears, you were talking. Begging, with such pain in your voice. "Please, no. Don't. Don't leave me. I love you. I need you. I'll die without you. I'd rather die than be without you. Please.' You kept begging me, through sobs, tears streaming down your face, not to go. I couldn't do anything.

" 'You won't be happy with me, though. I understand I'm not good enough. I wish you'd change me so I could be, but I'm not. If it makes you happy, go. I'd do anything for you, even this. I just want you to know, Edward. I love you. Please, don't'"

His perfect memory had retained every word.

"I couldn't understand much of anything after that. You were crying too hard. I held you, as tightly as I could without hurting you, but you cried all night long. Once in a while, you would mutter something that sounded like "Please. I love you. Don't go." You screamed, too. Maybe every half hour. I could feel your whole body tense up in my arms, and then you would howl. Such a sound! It felt like you were ripping apart."

Funny. I had thought the pain was gone. He was here, after all.

"Bella, I love you. I will always love you. I swear to whatever God there is that I am yours. I have never loved anyone else. I am so sorry, Bella. So sorry. I don't think I ever realized, not seeing your face in memories, not in the little mentions you gave, how much pain I put you through. I thought you were at least a little better off than I was, but I may have been wrong. Will you ever forgive me?"

I sighed, and kissed him.

"I love you. Forever, no matter what. I will always, always forgive you."

The agony in his eyes faded, followed by a fierce love.

"But… Edward, I think we need to talk about it."

"What?"

"About when you left."

My resolve wavered as the pain swelled in his eyes.

"Why?"

"Because… I'm going to be a vampire soon, and I'm afraid I won't remember anything but the pain."

"Of transforming?"

"No."

In a brief instant, his clever mind realized what I meant. A silent "O." rang on his lips, and he bowed his glorious head.

"Forget it." Nothing could be worth his pain.

"No, Bella. We should."

"Do you want me to start?"

He nodded.


	3. Painful Narration

I took a deep breath and began to recount the most painful experience of my life.

"The first week, I couldn't move. At all. I was totally immobile, trapped in my mind. And all that was in my mind was, well, 'ouch'."

He chuckled softly.

"Way to laugh at my pain, Edward."

The angel's face quickly became composed once again.

"Kidding. But it hurt. So much. I couldn't talk or eat, couldn't move. Charlie was terrified. He called Renee to come get me. And when she came… that broke me out of the spell. I threw a giant fit. I think I scared Charlie into letting me stay. I needed to be here. It wasn't even a conscious decision. I wasn't waiting for you. I was so sure."

He interrupted softly. "Sure of what?"

I had hoped he wouldn't make me say this part. "Sure that… that you didn't love me. I didn't think you'd come back, but I needed to be here. It was all I had left."

Edward pulled me against his chest. His cool touch was soothing, comforting. It helped a little as I tried to summarize the agony in a way that wouldn't hurt either of us. "I didn't think of you. That was how I kept the pain away. I didn't think of you. Which meant no movies, no music, no reading, no TV. They were all things that could bring the pain back with a vengeance. Sometimes I lapsed, but after all, I'm only human. Three months, and I didn't feel a thing. Then suddenly Charlie threatened to send me home. I told him I'd try harder. Go out with friends… Jess and I went to a movie. It was some gory horror thing, but there was some romance in the beginning. I had to run out and get popcorn. And at the end, when the heroine was a zombie, I realized that she looked just like me. It wasn't the kind of monster I wanted to be. That thought was forbidden too, of course. A lot of pain potential there. All those impossible dreams… I didn't think of you, and it still hurt. But seeing the zombie snapped me out. I couldn't find the numbness, so all I could find was pain."

"Oh, Bella. I am so sorry. I thought I was hurt worse than you, but I guess… hearing you tell it I'm not so sure. Bella, I am so sorry."

"You were only trying to do the right thing. Anyway… you remember those men in Port Angeles?"

He nodded, perfect face tense with rage at the mere thought of my would-be attackers. "Well, I thought I saw one of them as Jess and I were walking out of the movie. And so I walked over to him."

"WHAT!!"

"As I walked into danger, I heard your voice, crystal clear, telling me not to go. I didn't obey, but I relished listening. So beautiful, so perfect… it was like you cared. And even pretending that gave me strength. I couldn't go back to numbness, not after hearing you. It wasn't him, though, and your voice faded. I thought it was the déjà vu that did it. Jess was so mad… The next day, at school, I started talking again. But still, little things would get to me. After a while, I decided I couldn't bear to go on keeping my promise to stay safe. I saw the motorcycles, broken, and took them to Jacob. He fixed them, and he fixed me. A little bit. I couldn't feel the hole when he was there, but it was always ready to pounce as soon as I left, and the nightmares…"

The tears were starting. It hurt even to remember.

"And then one day Jake got sick and started avoiding me. After a month of that, he came up to me and said he couldn't be my friend anymore. I thought it was because he wanted me to love him, and I didn't. I still loved you. And I always will."

"So will I you."

It was so much easier with him here. "It was before that when Jake and I started looking for the clearing… our clearing. I thought it might have your voice in it. The motorcycles did, but I hadn't figured out that the danger was the key to hearing you."

"Risking your precious life just to hear the voice of a _monster_? Isabella Swan, what have I done to you?"

"I'd make the trade any day."

It was the wrong thing to say. He stiffened, froze. I apologized for my slip of the tongue with a kiss. "Anyway, I finally found the clearing, while Jacob was avoiding me. And it hurt so much. I was trying to muster the energy to overcome the pain and run when Laurent showed up."

Edward, still tense, hissed.

"He smiled, made polite conversation, and apologized. I heard your voice, clear as a bell, telling me what to do. This time, I listened. It wasn't enough, and he was primed to kill me, when a giant wolf burst into the clearing, followed by four others. It terrified me. And I thought Laurent was still alive, that he'd come back for me. Back at the ranch, Jacob is telling me he can't spend time with me anymore. And I can't take it. He's the only one who saved me, who made my life halfway bearable. So I have a new nightmare, and then Jacob climbs through my window. It reminds me of you, and I can't stand that."

"So sorry," he whispers, but I know the words are not for me. I have forgiven him, but he has not.

"Edward, look, do I need to tell you this? It's hurting me to hurt you. I don't want to keep saying what happened. You don't… It's not that important."

"Anything that makes you happy is important."

"This isn't making me happy."

"Please, Bella. I want to feel like… I need to feel like I can at least comprehend what I've done wrong."

"You didn't do anything wrong! You were trying to save me. That's all. I understand."

"I'm sorry."

"I forgive you."

This final exchange made me smile.

It was familiar, yet somehow needful.

"I love you."

"I love you."

These words, too, were not new, yet they still made my heart leap.

"So… where was I? Jake told me that I knew what was going on, and I did. I guessed eventually. Well, a few weeks later… Jake and the pack were off hunting Victoria. Jake had promised me we'd go cliff diving when he got back. I was waiting on the beach, and the water looked… I wanted to hear you. So I jumped."

His perfect face twisted. "Bella…"

"If you keep interrupting, I'm not going to tell you the rest! Anyway, I'm getting ready to jump. It's just like having you beside me. I hurtled through the air and you're there the whole way down. Then I'm drowning… and I don't care. I can see you so perfectly, and I don't want to try anymore. But Jake pulled me out. Well… I guess you know what happens from here."

He appeared to be choking to death on a lemon. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not. Well, it sucks that we had to be in so much pain. But it made me a stronger person, and it taught me something."

"What is that?"

"Who I can't live without." I took his hand, feeling the coldness chill me, and I smile. "I love you. Your turn."

"Right." He winces. "Bella… I have a confession to make."

"Which is?"

"I was in Brazil, right? Curled up in a ball, rocking back in forth, seeing your beautiful face, dreaming of holding you, so, so alone. I didn't have Charlie to live for or Jacob to help me live. So I just sort of died. And then… she walked in."

Wait… what? "Who?"

"I don't know her name." He was rigid, his voice a lovely whisper. "She's a vampire, but she drinks human blood. She has quite a gift. She can sense people's needs and give them what they require most. Apparently, she could feel my need ten miles away, and she was curious. She walked in and explained who she was. Then she told me I'd better return to you. I refused, fool that I am! I said you were better off, that… that you couldn't really have loved me, monstrous me. She scoffed at me, but she stayed. Trying to cheer me up… I asked why, and she confessed that she was in love with me."

I couldn't muster the appropriate indignation. How could I blame anyone for loving him? He was perfect.

"I asked her something then. I asked her if… Bella, I'm so ashamed. I'm so sorry. I asked her if she could change her appearance. She became you, because I needed you. It still hurt, because part of me knew it wasn't you, but I pretended it was the same Bella, you who I love and will always love. I stayed until Rosalie called… and then I couldn't lie to myself. There is only one person in the world for me, no matter what is right, and that is you. I took leave of her politely. I apologized for my lack of manners and respect towards her, and then I went to Italy."

As he spoke, a horrible idea began to blossom in my mind. I loathed myself for even doubting him, but I still needed to voice it. "Edward, did you… did you and she…?"

He understood my awkwardly half-phrased question. "Bella, I'm so sorry."

And the world went black.


	4. Agonized Confession

He was sobbing when I woke, his shoulders heaving. I tried to touch his face in comfort, and he glared at me.

"Don't. Don't you touch me."

Hurt and confused, I pulled my hand away and stood. "I'm sorry." He doesn't want you, Bella. You're not good enough. Never good enough for him…

He sighs. "Oh, Bella. I'm sorry. I didn't mean… Don't leave, Bella. I just… I don't deserve your forgiveness, and you keep giving it to me."

I laughed, more than half in relief. "I don't deserve _you,_ Edward. You're perfect."

"Hardly," he whispered, and his voice was as hard and cold and brittle as ice.

"Yes, you are. You love me so much, too much. Almost as much as I love you."

"I love you, but that's not a good thing, Bella. I'm a monster. I'm not just a killer, I'm also a liar and a traitor and… a _cheater._"

I caught the implication. "It's not cheating."

"Yes it is, Bella. I betrayed you. Why won't you understand that? I had just finished breaking your heart and I turned around and found someone else!"

The way he phrased that stung. I choked back the pain. "You found someone else. Do you still… have feelings for her?"

His eyes popped wider as if he were being choked. "Of course not! I never did. Only you. Only, always you."

"Then how did you betray me?"

"Do I have to say it?"

"No. I know what you mean. Actually, that was a rhetorical question. It was supposed to finish off my argument."

"What argument?'

"The argument we're having right now."

"Bella, I'm so sorry…"

I hate it when he does this. "Will you STOP apologizing?" I'm not going to lie, this idea doesn't delight me, but I've got to stop him from wallowing in remorse.

"Bella, why aren't you mad?"

"Why should I be?"

He attempted to interrupt, but I continued. "If I recall correctly, you had, in effect, broken up with me. Ergo, it would be impossible for you to cheat on me. In addition, you maintain that both you and she knew you still loved me. Case closed."

"You're looking at this very unemotionally."

And I was. The minute I got him safely calmed down, I would probably sneak off somewhere to cry like a baby. But I had to stay sane until he felt better. "Look at it this way. I'm disappointed. I'm slightly unhappy. I feel a little self-conscious. But I'm not mad. You had every right to…"

He smiles. It is an empty smile.

"Just promise me something."

"Anything," he vows.

"Promise you'll never leave me. I need to hear that again right now."

"Never. Not in a hundred million billion years. I will be with you forever. My angel, my wife, the light in the darkness of my existence. The beautiful one who forgives every transgression…"

He is perfect. Every feature of him… My heart swells.

And his next words, suddenly serious, ruin it.


	5. Emotional Control

**Anyone going to review? Ever? Geez, I need reviews!**

"Bella, I am so sorry. If you can't forgive me, that's understandable. I'll tell Alice, don't worry. Jacob Black has never broken your heart, never betrayed you for his own selfish desire… no one will blame you for leaving me this minute and never looking back."

Ugh. I _really _wanted to cry. If I could only get Edward to calm down and leave, I could bawl my eyes out calmly, think over the full extent of this depressing revelation, and come to terms with it myself. But if he left now, he'd probably curl up in a ball and sob for days. Besides, there's that stupid self-sacrificing thing again.

"Edward Cullen, you listen to me, and you listen good. Yes, Jacob has never hurt me as much as you have. That's because I don't love him _one hundredth _as much as I love and need and can't live without you. Because he isn't as good or noble or self-sacrificing as you are. I love you and I will always love you and you know and I know that I could never, never live without you because I am madly in love with you. Understand?"

He nodded. He still looked pretty miserable, but at least he wasn't trying to talk me into leaving him.

Wait… does he want me to leave? Is that what this is about? Is he trying to make me leave him because he doesn't want to break his promise never to leave me? Am I unwanted?

Part of me thinks that is ridiculous. But it makes a hell of a lot more sense than that this perfect man could ever care about me.

"Unless you want me to. Do you want me to go? I won't be mad if you do…" I promised, and that was true. I could never be angry at him. Not for leaving me or what he did with that vampire…

I didn't deserve any part of him, so it was my fault that the bad came.

"I will always want you. Always. I will never leave you… I couldn't. Even if you left me, I would always wait for you. And I will die when you do."

But he had delivered other lies just as skillfully.

I hated this! Why did I doubt him? Why couldn't I trust his love? It was all I wanted. Everything I wanted. Why couldn't I just accept that he loved me?

I didn't deserve it. He didn't think he was good for me, but it was the other way around. It was her, that perfect vampire who could give him what I couldn't, who deserved him. I was nothing more than a distraction…

My heart heaved, and, to my horror, I realized I could not contain the tears I hadn't wanted him to see.

I sobbed desperately, achingly. The tears blotted out the pain of consciousness. That was good… very good. But even without thoughts I was in agony. Even with him here, with his ring on my finger and his heart on my shoulder, I could not trust his love. Could never believe that he would choose me to be his wife, his only love, out of all the women in the world.

"I'm… so… so…rry…." I stuttered out between the sobs. He pulled me closer, and I buried my face against his chest. I was too much of a coward to look at the agony on his face.

"What do you have to be sorry for, love? What have you done? I am the one…"

"Don't blame yourself. Don't."

"Who else can I blame, Bella? Who else?"

"Me."

"Why?" The question lingered in the air. I drew in a breath…


	6. Personal Distrust

**REVIEW!! Or I will just not post any more ever. That's all. Do you not like this story? Should I not continue?"Because I'm not enough, Edward. I'm not enough. Not good enough or strong enough or beautiful enough for you and I don't have the will and the decency to do what I ought to."**

"While you're being ludicrous, I may as well enquire as to what that is."

"I ought to tell you right now to leave and never come back. I don't deserve you. I know that very well, and I should have the strength to let you go find someone who does. _She _did, I bet. She never loved anyone else. She gave you everything and never asked for anything in return."

"Barring the fact that I love _you,_ what have you ever asked me for?"

"You. I asked for love. Expected it, accepted it, when I know that it shouldn't be mine."

"Ridiculous. I am yours, Bella. Yours forever. You know that."

"But I don't deserve it!"

"I don't deserve you."

"Yes, you do! And I'll prove it. Here I am, hysterically weeping like a baby all over you, when I know it's just going to hurt you! Can't even hold in a few tears to save you so much pain!"

A silence stretched between us. I took opportunity of it to stare at him. His perfection- cool pale skin, eyes gleaming like sun through amber, perfect sculpted lips—I didn't blame her. I would do anything even for his false attentions. No matter who he loved, I would love him.

He broke the silence almost angrily.

"You hide your tears from me?"

"Sometimes."

"Don't you trust me?"

I groaned. I thought we'd gone over this. "I trust you enough that I'm going to let you drink my blood in order to change me into a vampire. I think that qualifies as trust."

"But you don't trust me to comfort you."

"You'd only blame yourself. I don't want you to hate yourself. No one should hate you."

"Why not? I'm a killer and a monster. You are an angel. I did not ever deserve your love, and deserve it even less now! I have betrayed you twice. First, by discarding and discounting your love. Second, in the most crude and vile way. Everyone should hate me."

I felt the tears bristle in my eyes. "You must think highly of my judgment, then, since I love you." I can't help it, Edward. No matter who you want me to love, no matter what is and isn't right… I am eternally yours.

He sighed and embraced me. "Why do you keep blaming yourself? I am a failure as a man and as a lover. I can't even be a good monster, for God's sake."

"You are the best man I know, and you love me more than I deserve."

"Don't be ridiculous. You deserve everything, and I- only hate and scorn."

"Stop it! Please stop it. You don't know how much this hurts me, seeing you hate yourself like this! I love you and I never ever want to see you miserable. Please don't."

He changed the subject abruptly. "Bella, do you want me to leave?"


	7. Suffering Symphony

**Still no reviews. None. Not a one, for the last five chapters. I've been so good about posting, too! This is depressing, guys. Other people get hundreds of reviews. I get nothing. That's unfair.**

The familiar sick horror blossomed. "NO! Please don't. Please. Edward, I'll do anything- anything. Just don't leave me again."

"I'm not leaving."

I resumed breathing in an approximately normal way. "Thank you."

"Why should I be thanked for doing the only thing that could make me happy?"

I continued to breathe, barely. "You don't want to leave?"

"No." He seemed confused. Then horror crossed his face. "You thought I wanted you to ask me to leave."

I nodded. "Why else would you bring it up?"

He looked down, ashamed. "I… I thought… you would want me to go. After…"

"See, this is why I don't let you see me cry, Edward. You get so sad. And I don't ever want to live without you. There is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you. Nothing. Nothing can come between us. You hear me?"

He smiled an empty smile. It was all the reassurance I needed.

"I love you," I said.

"Bella. You are the oddest person I've ever met, you know that? Most girls would be running and screaming right about now. I cheated on you. Doesn't that make you angry? Or anything?"

Honesty is the best policy! "A little angry. Mostly sad. I wanted to be first. That would be so special- it would feel like you waited a hundred years for me."

"I have."

"But you'll still be my first, and that's almost the same. And I love you, and you love me, and that's all that really matters in the entire universe."

He smiled, a true smile this time.

"Edward? Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"Did you really think I'd leave you?"

He stopped, paused, edited, and finally answered. "Yes. Yes, I did."

"EDWARD! You have some serious self-esteem issues, dearest one."

"No, I just see myself far more accurately than you do."

"Edward. Listen. You're doing the same thing that made you leave in the first place, so listen up because you are _not _going to get away with doing that again. You're devaluing how I feel about you. You don't understand that I need you so much that it hurts. I can't live without you. I can't not forgive you. I need you. Okay? I need you as much as you need me. You are more than I am no matter what you think. So don't leave, and don't be afraid."

"Bella. I am not going to leave you. We're going to get married and I'll change you. I swear." He paused for a moment. "Do you want to _try _still?"  
I understood the implication. "Yes."

"Even…"

"Yes."

He began to protest, then realized what he was doing. "All right. I love you."

"I love you too."

That was when Alice burst in through the window. "Edward, I need to talk to you. Bella, scram."

"Anything you need to tell him, you can say in front of me."

"It's about the wedding." I knew she was lying, but I left anyway. And promptly pressed my ear against the door.


	8. Reality's Reassurance

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"She's coming."

"Who?"

"Your little toy. She's coming to the wedding."

"WHAT!"

"She needs it. So she made me invite her."

"NO! I won't… It would break Bella's heart."

"Bella couldn't care less and you know it. It's about you again, Edward. You're being selfish. She gave you so much and you won't let her come say goodbye… You gave Jacob the option."

That was shameless. And kind of mean. Note to self, beat Alice up later.

I giggle quietly at my joke. Even though she's four feet tall, my pixie of a sister could totally take me. Vampire and all, you know.

"Ugh! Why do you want her there?" Edward asks.

"I… It's what's best."

He sighed. "Don't give me that crap, Alice. What did you see?" That may be the worst word I've ever heard him use. My true love can be quite a prude.

I envisioned my sister sticking her tongue out. "So not telling." A moment's pause as he perused her mind, then…

"I did _not_ need to see that side of Jasper, Alice. Not at all. Fine, you're not going to tell. I'll find out eventually, though."

"Yes, and you'll thank me. Now, Bella's listening, so you might as well let her in."

I, of course, blush nine kinds of crimson as my love opens to find my ear pressed to the space lately occupied by the door.

"Hello, beautiful." I blush nine _more_ shades of crimson. "You look delicious when you blush."

Literally, to him. I try to calm my furious flush in order to reduce his suffering. I know he says it doesn't bother him anymore, but I'd rather not harm him at all.

"Hi… You know I don't care."

"All right. But I promise you, I won't do anything. I won't even look at her."

"Yes you will!" Alice chimes in and Edward groans.

"You are SOOOO annoying, Mary Alice Brandon Whitlock Hale Cullen."

"Actually, you're pretty annoying yourself."

"Well, I think I'm annoying. So there!" I interject.

Everyone subsides into helpless giggles. The tension, as intended, is happily broken.

"You know I don't care, right?" I ask him.

"I do. I don't want to see her."

"Why?" A horrible thought occurred to me. "Are you afraid she'll make you leave?" What if he is? What if… what if he wants her instead of me?

I know it's really dumb, but I can't help wondering. I can't help worrying, because I know I'm not good enough for Edward.

"I doubt that's possible," Alice interjected before Edward could go on a self-loathing trip. "You need each other too much. Anyway, Bella, lilies, or roses?"

"What?"

"Wedding. Yours? August 13th? Ringing any bells? Lilies or roses for your bouquet?"

"Let Edward pick." Because I couldn't care less.

He smiles into my heart. "Roses."

"You're a helpless romantic, you know that, brother?"

"And proud of it." He smiles again and leans down to kiss me. I pass out in his arms, but it's so totally worth it. The feel of his stone limbs closing around me as I drift into blackness makes me smile.

I hear Alice grumble, "But I wanted to ask about the centerpieces!"


	9. Redundant Revelation

**No one reviews. Why does no one review? I hate doing this, but i'm desperate. Next chapter comes when I have 20 reviews. THat's not so hard, people.**

I wake. And she is there.

And beautiful. Beyond any imagining. I fight back the jealousy.

"Hello."

"Hi." Her voice is musical. Incredible.

Edward appears to be fighting with himself.

"Edward, what on earth are you doing?"

"Trying to make her leave!" His voice is a strained growl.

"Please cut it out. You can't possibly get past my power, even though…"

"He's as stubborn as a pig? Yeah. Edward, stop."

He desists and comes to sit calmly on the bed.

"Well, this is awkward."

She laughs, and I resist the urge to clock her in the face for the beautiful noise… I just healed the last broken knuckle. Carlisle would kill me.

"Edward… will you leave? I'd like to speak to Bella."

"I'm not leaving her alone with you," he grunts most unchivalrously as he stands, obviously without any conscious impulse on _his_ brain's part.

"It's scarcely likely she'll murder me. Shoo."

He stares for a moment, but gives into his legs as they carry him out the door.

Her hair, unlike that of my almost-rival Tanya's, is long, lustrous, and dark brown.

I try not to stare or despair.

"Bella. I'm sorry," she begins.

I laugh. "If there's anyone in the world who can understand, it's me. I _am_ in love with him. I know how irresistible he can be, and I don't even have your power. I know what it is to be without him."

"Yes." Her tone is sober. "I know. I'm very sorry for that as well. I tried to tell him. I knew, all those months. What was happening to you. I could feel the suffering from that far away…"

"It's not your fault."

"I'm sorry. I know it's not anywhere near enough. I knew perfectly well how you two felt about each other and I took advantage of his guilt…"

"It's not your fault. You don't think I would have done exactly the same thing? It doesn't make any sense for me to be jealous. We're just two women in love with the same man. I'm the lucky one… he's marrying me. I'm the one who's sorry."

"He always said you were selfless."

"As long as you don't try to get him back, which in my opinion is a pretty self_ish_ thing to ask, since if I were you I'd be doing my damnedest. But I have to."

Her jaw literally drops. "I would never. I could never. It would hurt too much, not that it doesn't suck pretty bad right now, but I could never tear the two of you apart. I would kill myself."

"What?"

"The need. It's so strong. I would be consumed by it if you were separated. I can't be you, not enough for him. I can imitate every facet of you, but there's some part of a love that true that knows. The inside of your soul is something no amount of power will transform me into."

I heard only that one familiar sentence. Not enough. "We're neither of us enough for him, are we? I'm just a weak ugly human…"

"And I'm a shame. Nothing more. We don't either of us deserve him…"

"But we love him."

Strangely, I like her. We have a lot in common. The irony strikes hard and we laugh in synchronization.


	10. Awkward Association

**Okay, i gave up... but i need more reviews? There are more chapters than reviews!!**

Edward cautiously re-enters. "Hello. May I speak to both of you?"

"Yes," we answer, and laugh again.

He stiffly sits. A long pause falls. Our sudden camaraderie is destroyed.

At last, Edward speaks. "It is unfair of me, but I would rather you go… I am sorry."

"Don't be dumb, Edward. Let her stay. What harm can it do?"

He seems totally shocked. "I don't want you to be hurt."

I scoff in the back of my throat. She and I exchange a potent glance. "Honestly. Well, love, you just have to realize I'm not quite that fragile. I have everything I could ever want—I have you. Am I honestly expected to begrudge her a wedding invitation?"

"Bella wants me here," she adds.

"True."

He looks grimly at me.

"Edward, don't say whatever it is that you're thinking. Please. I'm really not going to throw myself off a bridge because you slept with another woman before we were even married."

"Technically…"

"Yes, no actual sleeping happened. Shut up." I smile, to let him know this last is a joke. "In all honesty, I'd rather she was here, because it's going to make me feel a little less awful about having you."

"And I'd like to stay. One last time."

He groans. "Oh, all right."

"Very gracious, love. You're quite the gentleman today, you know that?"

"He's only rude when it comes to you. Anyone else and he's quite kind, but to protect you from any kind of harm he'll put those turn of the century manners aside for."

"I know. I'm not that delicate. He's so…"

"Overprotective? I know. It took me ages to get him to… er…"

"Yes, no need to go into detail."

We both laugh, and she smiles as if she'd blush as a human.

"I am still here," Edward interjects, rather sulkily.

"Yes," I reply. "No one ever said you weren't."

He grumbles and leaves.

"It's not his fault…"

"I know. He feels so bad. I feel pretty terrible myself… I wish I'd never…"

"No, don't be ridiculous. It's not your fault."

She smiles. "Thanks."

"Well, tell me, do you want to help plan a wedding? Since that's all Alice lets me do…"

"Yeah. Sounds like fun."

"Until you've been doing it continuously for five months."

Alice bounds through the door. "Someone mentioned wedding planning? Oh, hi, mistress chick."

"ALICE!!"  
"Well, I don't know her name, and she's not going to tell me, so I figured I'd give her a nickname."

"Rude much!" I reply.

My new friend smiles. "Alice, I've heard a lot about you. And I don't really care what you call me… I think we'll be friends."

"Well, I KNOW we'll be friends. Bella needs more bridesmaids."

"I doubt Eddie will be very pleased with that," I add, "but I don't mind."

"Eddie?" she laughs.

"Yeah. I call him that when I'm irritated with him. As I am right now… he's been rather a baby about this whole thing."

"Immature much?" Alice teases.

"On both our parts. But hey, I'm only seventeen."

"And he's only a hundred and seven!"

All three of us laugh.

"So, bridesmaid?"

"Yup."

"Great. She can wear a dress just like mine and Rose's. The three of us will look so pretty together!"

"Alice…"

"I know, I'm weird! Yay!"

We laugh again. This is pleasant, effortless, like the friendship I once had with Jacob before that soured into something more. I am glad and more to have found it in this unlikeliest of situations.


	11. Laughing Liberties

**Okay, i gave up... but i need more reviews? There are more chapters than reviews!!**

The days speed by, and before I know it, it's time.

The day every girl, except me, dreams of.

Well, it means I can be with him forever. So I guess it's pretty dream-worthy.

August 10th. I'm getting married at two o' clock. To Edward Cullen.

And then… well, we're both looking forward to that part.

Alice is of course ecstatic. She practically bounces as she walks, sings when she talks. If vampires could get drunk, I would ask her to walk a straight line before driving.

"And your nails! Bella, HOLD STILL!"

She was going overboard. Great.

If it makes her happy, I remind myself. This one last thing. Tying up the frayed edges of my human life, getting everything all neat and pretty.

I know I'm being ridiculous, that I can't possibly make everyone happy. But I can try.

She is in the background, quietly helping, passing this here and that there.

I wonder what she can possibly get out of this.

Closure?

I don't know.

I wish Jake were here, but that's selfish. I can't expect him to do this. It would hurt him too much. I don't want him to be hurt, not again. I wouldn't want anyone to suffer what I did.

I know what it feels like to be alone… and it seems to me like the triumph of my true love is leaving a few loose ends too many.

But he is here, I realize as I smooth down my dress. He had wormed his way into the shadows, smiling silently, with the grin that is mine.

"Hi, Jake."

"Bella."

"You came?"

"Yeah. Your bloodsucker sent me the invite, but don't be mad at him. I was pretty pissed at the time, but I wanted to come. I wanted to see you once, before… and warn you. Bells, the pack… I couldn't talk them out of it. When the treaty is broken, they're coming for you. They think there's a chance, it's the largest pack ever."

Well, that wasn't good. "Oh." It hurt to realize that my friends, the people who I'd lived with and liked and loved, would try to kill me. They couldn't understand?

"I can't fight against my brothers, Bells. But I can't hurt you, either. I'll be at home, praying none of the people I love get hurt."

"Well…"

"I'm sorry. And I'm glad I'm here."

"So am I, Jake. I love you."

"I love you, too."

And I sigh, for the loss of my family in La Push, for what might have been. But I am going to have something better.

I will.

All I have to do now is walk down this flowery aisle.

It is all snowy white, draped with beautiful lace and tulle. Alice is really good at this. She should start a business.

My stupid tangential brain.

I'm getting married.

Oh my god. Right now.

I walk. The steps are slow, arduous. Charlie takes my arm halfway. This wasn't easy for him, I know, but at least he's here.

"I love you, Dad," I whisper, and we both know it means "Good-bye."

But then I see him waiting for me, and nothing else matters.

Because Edward is right here, and he loves me.

No matter what, I have that. That perfection. I love him so much.

He smiles like a sunrise. His eyes are open, awed. He is so happy.

And so am I.

The service, led by Emmett as promised, is a blur. All I hear is "I do," "man and wife," and "You may kiss the bride."

Which he does. Enthusiastically.

It is the first kiss that breaks our rules. I think he may be trying to prove something to the broken-hearted ones who watch, and I should stop him… it's cruel. But my mind isn't interested in anything, except his lips.

Finally, we break apart- but only for a moment. We have been bound together for eternity.


	12. Dancing Dreams

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The reception twirls by. It is a golden gleam of perfection. Remind me to thank Alice. If I liked parties, this would be heaven. Even for me, it is pleasant, though all it really is, is a barrier between me and what I want.

Specifically, Edward.

Specifically, Edward without careful rules, and hopefully without clothes.

I blush, of course, at the very specific, and very pleasant visual image that gives me.

"Hello, beautiful," he whispers, and my heart quivers.

"I love you."

"I love you too, Mrs. Cullen."

I blush deeper. "I like the way that sounds."

His smile is breath-taking. "So do I."

We watch the dancers twirl. "We should dance."

"Only if you want to."

"I wouldn't mind it… if you promise not to let me fall."

He winks. "I promise… In that case, Mrs. Cullen, may I have the honor of this dance?"

"Of course."

He leads me out onto the dance floor and places one hand on my waist, the other on mine. I try to avoid breathing hard or throwing myself into his arms or passing out. I will never get used to him. Instead, I look at the dancers. I notice one of the purple-dressed bridesmaids is missing. So is Jacob.

Oh.

That makes this perfect moment a little less sweet, but I'm still ecstatic. In Edward's arms for eternity.

"Thank you, Edward."

His angel's face is slightly bemused. "For what?"

"For this, for everything. For waiting so many years, and finally choosing me. I love you so much, and you have no idea what a gift you've given me."

"Oh, Bella. I adore you. You are the light in the darkness. The fire in the night… I can hardly believe you are really mine…"

"Forever."

"Forever."

We kiss again.

"AH!" I hear, and I know it is Jacob. I close my eyes, but I can still hear the footfalls of the wolf's padded feet skittering across the forest floor.

A tiny moan escapes my lips… "Oh."

"Bella. Do you need me to go after him?"

I notice the word need, not want. And though I want him here, want him happy, I know the two are mutually exclusive and what I need is for Jacob to run far from the fight tomorrow, the one that would tear his heart and loyalties and possibly even his body apart, and I need him to find someone who is meant for him and no one else, as I couldn't be. "No. Let him be… he doesn't belong in my life anymore."

Finally, I let go of Jake, because, in the end, all he really was, was the dearest and best of friends, the other half of my soul, the one I couldn't choose…

"Sorry, Jake," I whisper, and Edward pretends not to hear.

Edward leads me to a chair. "Eat. You're distressed."

"Aren't I the bride? Don't I get to boss everyone around?"

"Okay. Please, darling, I humbly request you keep your strength up by eating this food painstakingly prepared for you."

He smolders at me.

I grudgingly pick up a fork. I begin eating the salad someone has laid out for me. It is, of course, delicious. Alice has selected a perfect menu, considering, or even forgetting, that she lives off mountain lion blood.

Charlie stands, smiles. "I'd like to make a toast, to my beautiful Bella. Honey, I never thought this day would come so soon, but I'm glad you're happy. I hope your happily-ever-after is just as beautiful as you are. I love you, and I'm so glad you came up here… my little girl…"

He appears to be tearing up.

"Thanks, Dad."

Renee stands next. "You know I freaked out when Bella told me she was getting married… getting married at seventeen didn't work so well for me… but I'm happy for her. She was always more mature than I was. And now my little girl is all grown up. She's a woman now, and I look forward to seeing her grow to have a family of her own."

Edward squeezes my hand, distracting me from the instant agony. I will never give Renee a grandchild to coo over. Charlie will never see me have my happily-ever-after.

Carlisle raises his glass. "My son, I have never seen you so happy as at this moment. In many ways, you were the most mature of my darling children, but finally you found the happiness all of us have. I am so glad."

Esme makes what I assume will be the last speech. "When I had my first child so many years ago, I thought that his wedding would be the most beautiful moment of my life. I never saw him grow up, but I have seen you, Edward, become a man, and find a woman who loves you for exactly what you are. It is incredible to see the boy I loved so much find someone to complete him. Bella, thank you for what you've given my son."

Surprisingly, she stands next. Her purple dress falls perfectly around her. Why couldn't my one true love have slept with an _ugly_ woman… "Hi. None of you know who I am, but I was a friend of Edward's a long time ago. I've seen what happens to the two of them when they were apart, and it wasn't pretty, but as Shakespeare said, the course of true love never did run smooth. Their love is the truest I've ever experienced, and they truly need each other. I'm glad to see that they will have each other… forever."

I was surprised at this, and delighted. She was exceptional, wasn't she?

Edward grimaces, so I distract him as best I can by placing my head on his shoulder.

Then I stand. Hey, everyone's making speeches. I might as well take my turn. "Edward. I never knew what I was missing until I met you. You are everything, everything, I could have wanted. You are the most wonderful man in the world. I love you more than you can possibly know. Thank you."

He stands, but I do not sit down. "No, Bella. Thank you. You are the woman who has brought light into my life. And now we will never have to be apart."

I smile at the thought, and Edward kisses me as everyone present cheers.

Then we sit down and dig in.

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	13. Tender Touches

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Edward leads me to our, OUR, bedroom with a hand on my shoulder. He is grinning the whole way. It is the smile he seems to reserve for our meadow, or for times like these. When he is so happy, it is truly infectious. My smile is not mine, it is just a reflection of his.

He opens the door, and I see the big useless bed. Well, maybe not so useless anymore.

Of course, I blush at my own sort-of risqué thought. Edward _has_ to ask, "What are you thinking, my beautiful wife?"

I like that. His wife. I thought I would hate being married. And it seems too old to be me, but I like it. I belong to Edward, in a way just as real as if he had already bitten me. "I was just thinking about how that bed's going to finally be good for something."

He chuckles quietly at that. "I hope so, Bella. I hope so."

Was that Edward making a lewd joke? Wonders will never cease.

"I love you."

He smiles, but then his face is suddenly serious. "Bella, wait."

"Of course."

"What?" he seems genuinely confused.

"You can't honestly believe I didn't know this was coming. I know you pretty dang well. You're going to give me some kind of lecture about, oh, what a monster you are, and am I completely sure, and so on. Nothing I say will shut you up, so just get it over with. I'm kind of looking forward to this."

There is a brief shocked silence, as there always is after my brief petulant fits- usually I take out my anger on anyone but Edward. Then he laughs. "All right, you have me pegged, dearest one. Please, however, allow me to make my case."

"I thought you wanted this." I feel myself crumble a little.

"I do, love. I do. But I want to make you happy much more. I will do anything for that. I think you don't understand what this is… Bella, once you give it up, there's no going back."

"Edward. In my world, having sex isn't such a big thing. It isn't like you knew when a child. Really, things have changed."

"I don't like those changes. Bella, I don't want you to regret choosing me."

"I don't, I never do. Never will."

He gave up with a sigh. Strange, he was usually so obstinate- then again, he is a seventeen year old boy.

Wonder he's lasted this long, really.

He touches my face softly to signify surrender, and I grin. He sighs and bends forward to kiss me. My heart stops.

"We haven't even started, and you're already almost passing out? Maybe you were right about the combustion…" he teases.

I am in no mood for jokes. I tug at his tie, unbutton his shirt…

His hands are so gentle as they move down my back. I look at his glorious beauty and can't believe it is really mine forever.

He is a little too careful, but I don't mind- he wouldn't be Edward if he was any different. And then he pulls the dress off- my wedding night has begun.

** (insert Smut Of Choice here.)**

His hair shines in the moonlight just before I drift, exhausted, to sleep.

I awake early the next morning to the sound of screams.

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	14. Final Fight

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I run downstairs, throwing on the clothes Alice was thoughtful enough to stash in a convenient proximity to the bed.

The noise is agonized. And it is Edward's pain. "What is it?"

He looks at me. "I didn't expect to see you, love. I… it's the pack. They've attacked."

"What!"

"And we're losing…"

"How is that possible?"

"Embry, Jared, Sam and Quil went… herding. They separated Alice and Rosalie from us, and are… we don't know. I can't sense them. Emmett and Jasper are going berserk."

Of course. If he was in danger, I too would not be thinking of any lesser person's safety.

"They're demanding… that you die, or that Alice and Rose do. And we're fighting."

"Well, that's dumb." No-brainer. I would just go let them kill me. They'd probably be nicer about than Victoria would have been.

His eyes burn. "No. If you die, I die, Bella. Is that what you want?"

That was the only argument that could have persuaded me. My life was essentially valueless compared to those I love, but his?

No one could shine as brightly as him.

"What can we do?"

"I don't know."

We grow more desperate, and I hear a shriek.

"JAZZ!"

It is Alice's voice, and she is in pain. Jasper turns from his struggle with Leah and swats her down. He runs for the trees, but Carlisle is there. "Think. _Think,_ Jasper. The instant they see you, they'll kill her."

"I can't listen to them hurt her!"

"Can you watch her die?"

"No."

I see my friends and family, fighting each other. Colin is thirteen, for God's sake. Emmett dashes him against the ground. I scream.

"No!"

There is nothing. Nothing. My family will be destroyed. We will all be killed. I can't let this happen. I begin to stand, to command Edward to live, live for me, and die myself…

Then a voice appears, and with it a solution.

"Wait."

It is the voice who has no name.

"What is it?"

"I cannot fight for you. But I can… I can die."

I understand instantly, though Edward doesn't. We are so much alike. She is doing what I would do if I carried not the burden of Edward's life…

"I'll explain. She's suggesting… taking my appearance and letting the wolves kill her. The treaty isn't actually broken yet, they'll let us go. They will just think I'm her."

"Exactly."

"No… I can't."

"Edward, this is not about you. It is incredibly selfish of you to assume everyone wants to live. You left her. I know what it feels like." I had to be heartless. I could comfort him when Alice and Rose weren't being tortured, when all our lives weren't on the lines. "She's wanted to die…"

"Since the day you left for Italy. How do you know?"

"He left me once too, if you recall."

His face was torn. One side wants me to live at any cost. The other is twisted with anguish.

She speaks quietly. "Edward, don't you think you owe me something? Give me this. Live happy with Bella. Let me give you my life. Don't force me to live on."

I know Edward is remembering the day he thought I'd died, that he sees that in his mind, like I'm borrowing his gift.

He assents, not with words, but with a lack of them.

I step forward and embrace her. "I am sorry. I am glad, though, that your pain is ending. Go well, and may heaven be kinder than earth has been."

"A blessing out of a storybook… sister."

She turns to run, at slower pace, to the sound of the moans and wails in the trees.

"Wait."

"What is it, Bella?"

"Tell me… what's your name?"

She smiles. "Helene. I'm Helene, and it's a pleasure to meet you."

"Bella Cullen."

We laugh a final time. Then her footsteps, slow as mine, lead her into the murky green depths. I am rushed upstairs to begin hiding away for our departure.

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	15. Ending Eulogy

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I do not hear her die. I do not see it. But I swear I can feel her life end. She gave herself for my happiness, for the family that could have been hers… but I know she wouldn't want me to feel this guilt. So I don't.

I simply turn off the emotion.

Oh, but she is so much like me! We love the same man, wear the same face, hold the same pain. I feel such pity for her. After all, who but I can comprehend? Who but I had his love and lost it?

No one can understand, certainly not Edward pacing miserable around our floor as he helps me gather my possessions for our "honeymoon". Our family will follow soon after our departure, but the pack understands the necessity to conceal from the humans what they assume is my death.

"Why? Why would she want to die?"

"Why did you go to Italy?"

"Because… because it hurt…" he replies, with an agony that confounds his usual articulate manner.

"I didn't jump off the cliff to die, Edward. But if I hadn't had Charlie, I would have, the instant you left. Do you think maybe that's how she feels?"

"I thought you'd hate her."

"How could I hate someone who's given her life for me… for us?"

"Good point."

He continues to pace holes in the floor.

Then I am done packing. He spirits me away, on his back, to… somewhere. While enjoying the thrill of his skin, the joy of the ride, I eulogize Helene.

_I never knew your name, not till the end… but we were one, won't we? I was the lucky one, sister. I have him. I will remember you every time I touch him, I think, until the day I die… which will be many days in the future, thanks to you. I owe- we owe- you so much. And we love you._

_ He'll realize eventually, as I did, that the person in whose arms you found comfort has a place in your heart. He may not believe he deserves it. No, he won't. _

_ Another thing only you could understand, the way we love him, silly as he can be… which is a lot, isn't it?_

_ I love him. I think you and I were meant to be friends. Fate sometimes fails, though. It failed us… I'm sorry._

_ I wish you could have found happiness. I wish you weren't meant for him, because that could only hurt us both. I'm sorry._

_ I wish things weren't as they are, but that's the way life goes. I'm sorry._

_ I do not know you, but yet I did, inherently, deeply. I knew you and I loved you._

_ I wish only the best, and I am so glad your pain is over._

_ If it were me, if you had him, if you were lucky and I was not, then I would do just the same. Dying for him isn't even a sacrifice, it's an honor… and you know he doesn't understand._

_ Silly Edward._

_ We love him all the same._

_ Good-bye, Helene. You lived and died with love and honor, and I will always, change or none, remember you and your bravery and your heart. May heaven bring you happiness…_

As it has brought me mine.

Edward stares luminously into my eyes, and I twirl the rings on my fingers.

"I love you," he whispers.

It is a truth that resounds throughout everything, and I turn to face forever with it behind me. I know I can succeed.

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